In Which Thor Discovers The Meaning Of Life (Or Maybe Just a Napkin)
by IaspiretobeDarcy828
Summary: Many things about Earth confuse Thor. But perhaps one of the most confusing things is the napkin. Written because Madeline wanted it. (Mostly a crack!fic)
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own none of the publicly recognizable features of this story, that includes the characters, settings and nicknames used by Thor.

Thor Discovers Earthling Things

Part One- Napkins

A lot of people may consider Thor to be a bit daft. He himself knows that he comes off as a bit of an idiot sometimes. He supposes it is because he is so outspoken and so confused with Earth customs. But he's not. As the future ruler of Asgard he was given many tutors to ensure that his brain held a vast amount of knowledge. So he finds it a bit insulting when SHIELD agents speak to him as if he was but a young child with a mental affliction. (That was only okay when Loki did it.)

Yet, as he stared at the offered object in Son of Coul's hand, he felt every bit the daft person he was made out to be. The object was made of a flimsy paper quality and floated with the slight breeze that was wandering among the tower of Stark.

"It's a napkin," Son of Coul informed him. Thor took it gently between his large fingers and walked away, lest his confusion of what to use the napkin for is mistaken for ungratefulness. And as he settles himself on the couch next to Bruce he thinks about what it may be for.

The first part of the word is naps and Thor knows what naps are. Perhaps this napkin is used to assist Midgardians in their sleeping rituals? Judging by his teammates' habits, Midgardians do not get as much untroubled sleep as Asgardians. He folds it gently in his palm and then wanders up to the room that Anthony has generously offered to him.

When Thor wakes up he is forced to admit that either he has used this napkin wrong or that it not used for slumber assistance. So as he lies in his luxurious bed with Hannah of Montana playing in the TV in the corner he is forced to think of the other half of the word.

Kin.

Kin is family.

So Thor keeps this napkin tucked into his armor and when their next altercation with Loki arises he pulls it out and throws it at his brother. Loki shoots him a confused look before picking the object up between two fingers delicately and then throws back his head and laughs the way he only ever does when he is laughing at Thor.

"I know not why you think such a frivolous piece of Midgardian culture can defeat me Thor, but I assure you I am very well protected against napkins," Loki said, still shaking his head in amusement as he fired a spell towards the great Captain. Luckily Anthony steps in the way just in time, the green blast being deflected easily, and the rest of the battle commences in its usual fashion.

But Thor still does not know what the meaning of this napkin is. And it irritates him greatly but also intrigues him, so he sits down on the couch in the tower of Anthony and examines it, willing for it to spill all of its secrets.

"Uh, Thor buddy, what are you doing?" It is Anthony that asks him, leaning over the back of the chair the great Captain is sitting in, his finger still held on the device sitting in Steven's lap.

"Trying to decipher the secrets that this napkin has to offer." Thor explains, a little bit defensively. Anthony's brow crinkles confusedly and he shares a glance with Steven that Thor does not understand.

"It's a napkin. It doesn't have many secrets other than what it wiped off your face at dinner last night." Anthony explains.

"Why would it wipe ones face?" Thor asks, not quite understanding that the answer he has been searching for is in plain view in front of him.

"Because that's what it's used for?" Anthony says a bit uncertainly. "Has someone been telling you lies about napkins? Because taking advantage of a confused Norse god is so completely unmoral that even I wouldn't do it." He pauses and then looks right at Thor with a straight expression. "It was Clint, wasn't it?"

"Hey," Clint protests, though Thor can tell it is completely on principle as he slides smoothly out of the vent he was in. "I swear I told him nothing about napkins."

Thor stares at the flimsy paper in his hand and then crumples it in his fist. So perhaps this object is not as wonderful as he first thought, offering no magical abilities to help with sleep or family. But as he stares around at Anthony and Clint engaging in a pillow fight with Steven playing interference when a remote gets chucked at Anthony's head, he finds that maybe he doesn't need that much help with family after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: All recognizable things are property of Marvel, not me, though I wish it wasn't so.

Also, author's note, for the sake of this story please ignore the fact that Thor has been on Earth before and Jane has probably taught him about a lot of things.

Part 2- Toilets

Thor stares at the room Anthony, nay, Tony has led him into, eyes taking in the nearly overwhelming masses of white porcelain. He recognizes the sink, having been used one for days to cleanse himself and also the shower because he has had to use one in SHIELD headquarters in the unfortunate incident of being blasted by a radioactive spider's saliva to decontaminate. But there is a type of throne sitting innocently in the corner that mocks Thor of his ignorance.

It is made of the same stainless white porcelain that the rest of the room consists of and there is a roll of what resembles napkins next to it. On the back there is a shiny silver handle and when Thor nears it he spots that the round bowl has some water in it. He's tempted to go ask Tony what it is, given his track record, but the man is designing more weapons for Clint and Thor admires the idea that Steven has brought up at breakfast time, that at if you don't succeed, try again.

So he settles down on his bed and once again starts to think of what this Midgardian object could possibly be used for. It is an issue, he realizes, that he know not of what the object is called. He wanders into the library that Tony insists is only there because Steven and Bruce like to read, not because he actually enjoys _books_, and picks up the dictionary that Natasha has directed him to and he thumbs through it, looking carefully at the pictures accompanying the words. After his head is throbbing and his eyes are aching, he finally finds the word he is looking for. The object is a toilet.

A toilet.

Thor quickly closes the book and bounds into the living room. He knows what toil means. That is to work. So the next time when he is finished sparring with Steven in the recreation room he retreats cheerfully to his toilet and dunks his head into the water offered in the bowl of the toilet. His forehead clangs against the porcelain and it is an awkward fit for something that is to be used to repeatedly dunk his head in again and again, and he is forced to admit with the shower and sink standing tauntingly next to him, mortals really have no need for yet another cleaning device.

He dries his hair and goes to the kitchen in hopes of finding sustenance. He passes by where Steven and Tony are lounged on the couch next to each other with the TV playing in the background and pauses when his eyes catch on a toilet on the screen. He watches with amazement as the people on screen climbs into the toilet and presses down on the handle, disappearing as the water swirls around.

So the toilet is a portal.

He swings around to the kitchen and grabs an apple and the retreats to his bathroom once more. He sets the apple on the counter and wedges his feet in the bowl, reaching down to press the silver handle and…

Nothing happens. Nothing besides a slight uncomfortable suction feeling in his feet as all the water rushes past him. Thor climbs out disappointedly and goes to his bed, accepting the fact that this mystery may never be solved.

The next morning as he sits at the table consuming Poptarts, he watches in amusement as Tony stalks in with Steven on his heels his face set in anger.

"Loki appeared last night." Steven informs the group sitting at the table.

"Yeah, he just pops in whenever he pleases, stupid magic," Tony grumbles. Steven sighs and takes the apple Tony offers him.

"Let's just focus on the fact that he didn't hurt you," He says. Tony bangs down his coffee mug.

"Yes but the fact that he just pops in whenever he wants disturbs me. What if I'm on the toilet Steve? What if I am just sitting there trying to crap in peace and Loki just pops in? My heart will not be able to take that." He complains. Thor has turned deaf to the rest of the banter though as he process what he just heard. The toilet is used for _crapping_? How disappointing.

And disgusting. He put his head in that.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the computer I wrote this on. Also I don't own gremlins or Dance Moms.

A/N: Sorry this took so long, I did have it done a while ago but then I forgot to save and it was gone. So this one may not be the best.

Part Three: Dogs and When They Are Hot

"Come on Thor." Natasha beckoned Thor, making sure he maintained the same speed that the rest were walking at. Thor looked up from where he was looking at the small bug crawling persistently across the pavement and followed after her.

"Thor man, you're like a puppy," Clint commented, though his face implied humor and good will. Thor looked up at him, unsure if it was an insult to be called a puppy. What was a puppy?

"What is a puppy?" Thor asked. Everyone turned to look at him, Clint and Natasha each with an eyebrow raised, Bruce with his usual self-conscious look, Steven with his hand still on Tony's elbow from where he had placed it to help guide him as he looked at his electronic device in his hand, and Tony actually glancing up at him with a shocked look in his dark eyes.

"I keep forgetting how little you know about us," Tony said. Next to him Steven started to push him forward again and Tony reluctantly allowed him to do so.

"Say what you want Tony, but at least I know what a puppy is," Steven said. Tony rolled his eyes.

"I only teased you once about your lack of knowledge and that was because you didn't know what a remote was. A _remote_, Steve." Tony defended himself. Thor could only walk alongside them, listening in bemusement and wondering if his question would ever get answered.

"Remotes weren't invented yet Tony, it's not my fault." Steven defended himself. Thor, deciding that their great verbal sparring war was still on going, turned to his fellow SHIELD agents in the hope that they would divulge the great secret of this puppy.

"It's a domesticated animal, buddy," Clint explained. So perhaps these puppies were great friends to the Midgardians, allowing them assistance in their battles.

"You probably won't see one out now, since it is so early," Bruce said, taking off his glasses and polishing them before replacing them and looking around. Thor joined him, feeling disappointed. If these puppies had only a couple hours in which they could function then they were not the great warriors he imagined them to be. They were more like the gremlins that Clint had shown him a documentary about. And though those animals were rather ferocious, they did not have a great talent of helping Midgardians. Now Bilgesnipes, they were great warriors to have with one while in a fight. They could fight at all hours of the day.

"No, there is one," Natasha pointed a finger and Thor followed it, finding a jubilant, young adorable animal at the end. The animal, with large floppy ears and a glossy coat, was frolicking and gazing upon his master with a loyal and loving gaze.

"A puppy!" Thor cried joyously. "I love puppies!"

"That one if more of a dog, a grown up puppy, but aren't they great?" Steven turned around, pausing his bickering with Tony for a moment to address Thor and gaze at the joyous animal. "I keep asking Tony if we can get one but he keeps telling me no."

"I have enough things that eat and poop in my tower, I don't need more." Tony said defensively.

"But I would take care of it and you wouldn't even need to see it." Steven begged. Thor found himself nodding alongside the great captain. He would like to have such a faithful companion as well.

"Nuh-uh, that is what Coulson told me about Clint and I see his ugly mug every day," Tony said. He looked up from his electronic device and met their eyes. "My tower, my rules, and my rules specifically say no small furry animals besides Bruce."

That is why, a week later, Thor is very confused when Tony comes into the room that the rest of his team was sitting in and claims loudly that he wishes for a hotdog. He has made his opinion on dogs very clear previously. Perhaps a hot dog has a whole different set of attributes that Tony finds useful? Thor becomes even more confused when Steven opens his mouth and denies Tony his request.

"You can't have a hotdog Tony, you haven't eaten for fourteen hours straight and I'm not allowing the first thing that you eat to be a hotdog," Steven says, flicking half-heartedly through the channels. They had just finished watching "Dance Moms", Thor's favorite show, and now the search for something better was on.

"But I'm hungry Stebe," Tony whines, leaning across the couch and sprawling across Steven, Thor, and Bruce. Thor almost pushes him off, he is so surprised. Tony plans on eating these dogs that have the misfortune of being hot? "And how did you know how long it had been since I have eaten? Has Jarvis been telling my secrets again? What did I tell you about that J?" He stared at the ceiling and Thor prided himself on not jumping when the ceiling answered.

"You said, and I quote, 'Steve's puppy eyes do not work on you, you do not have to tell him every little thing he asks'. But as I am programmed to have your best interests in heart and I find that Steve is one of the best equipped to do such." Jarvis answered. Steve pushed at Tony impatiently, getting his head and shoulders off of his lap and standing up.

"If you eat an apple and drink something other than coffee, we can go and get hotdogs," He compromises. Thor cannot believe his ears. The great captain is going along with the slaughter of these innocent animals? Thor thought him a better person than that. Tony gets to his feet and scrambles to the kitchen, returning quickly with an apple in his mouth and a water bottle clutched in one hand. Thor is appalled that Tony would find such enjoyment and be so eager to kill the poor puppies.

"I just have to go and get my jacket Tony," Steven said. Thor followed him up the stairs and then ducks into his bed room. He cannot just sit by and allow such a massacre to happen. He places Mjölnir on the windowsill, where it will be easy to call and then joins his friends as they leave for the hotdog cart. He is reluctant to fight against his dear friends, especially Tony, as he has housed and fed Thor without any genuine complaint, but Thor cannot stand by and allow the poor dogs to be killed, heated, and then eaten, even if it by his teammates.

"Here we are," Tony said, nearly bouncing in excitement as he puts out an arm to stop Steve. Thor, with a heavy heart, places himself between the cart and his friends, calling Mjölnir.

"Uh, Thor buddy, what are you doing?" Clint asks. Thor turns to glare at him.

"I am defending the honor of these great dogs." He booms. "I am shocked and saddened by the fact that all of my teammates would partake in such cruel practices."

"All we're doing is eating," Steven said defensively.

"Yes, you are eating the poor dogs!" Thor corrects. Tony takes a step forward and Thor points his hammer at him.

"Thor, hotdogs aren't made from dogs," Tony says. Thor stares at him, trying to tell if he is speaking the truth. Living with Loki has given him great practice for such and he can tell that Tony speaks the truth.

"Then what are they made of?" He challenges. Tony slides an arm around Thor's large shoulders.

"No one knows, buddy, no one knows."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Everything is property of Marvel. If I could, I would be too, because everything under Marvel's name is automatically amazing.

A/N: I am thinking of possible finishing up this series with Part Five: Google, but if I get at least ten comments (and not from the same person) then I will continue it on instead.

Part Four: Moobs

Thor walked into the Avenger's tower, feeling incredibly glad to be home. He was unsure when exactly Asgard (where he had been for the last two weeks) had started to feel strange and unwelcoming and the Avenger's tower had started to be where he felt like he could fully be himself, but he supposed it was around the same time that Tony had been comfortable walking around without a shirt on, bearing his shining blue heart for them all to see and the time that Bruce was comfortable enough to only chuckle when fair maiden Natasha accused him of drinking the last of the special cream she enjoyed putting in her coffee.

"Thor, you're back!" Tony greeted him joyously as he entered the kitchen, where the man was making a mess and Steve was sitting nearby watching him, most likely to ensure that an explosion was avoided. Tony stayed where he was, but Thor could quite easily read the look in his eyes, so he took the liberty of consuming the man of iron in an affectionate hug.

"He's turning purple," Steve informed Thor. Thor released Tony, surprised to find that yes, indeed, the man was an unnatural color. As he moved forward to engage Steve in his own friendly embrace, he was reminded once again of how glad he was to have found his new home.

That doesn't mean, when four hours later he finds himself squished on the couch with the great Captain and Tony, that he doesn't still feel confused and frustrated when once again on of his teammates, nay, family, say something that he doesn't understand.

"Man, he's really let himself go, hasn't he?" Clint asks from where he is sitting next to Natasha on their own seat.

"Be nice," Steve chastises. Next to him Tony snorts.

"He has a point, much as it pains me to admit. The guy has moobs, Steve. Moobs." Tony protests.

"Well, he's an older gentleman, Tony, be respectful." Steve says. Thor files away that information. Steve knows what these moobs are, so it must be a Midgardian timeless word. He becomes distracted by the movie, but later as he is lying in his bed waiting for the tricky mistress of sleep to embrace him, he ponders the word.

Moobs.

Moobs.

Moooooooooooooobs.

` Ah! When said like that it sounds much like the cattle that roam Midgard. Perhaps these moobs have something to do with cattle? Tony and Clint had said that an elderly man had them, perhaps these moobs were a cow product that assisted the elderly in their everyday life?

The next time they go to the store Thor manages to get away before Natasha and son of Coul realize he is gone and he follows an elderly woman to the shelves that seem to house the things that older people use for assistance.

There are interesting things that assist with walking and a multitude of medicines, one of which says stool softener, which confuses Thor greatly, because if a seating device is uncomfortable, why do they not move instead of resorting to medicines? Finally he spots something that seems to share cattle's pattern of hide, but when he examines them he finds that it is just a package and that the undergarments in it have nothing to do with such an animal. And he cannot find any other sign of moobs anywhere. Perhaps Thor has once again misunderstood the intention of a Midgardian thing.

As Thor follows dutifully after Clint, who was sent to find him, he thinks of the word again. The last part of the word sounded a bit like what Steve said after he had made a mistake. Oops and oobs, sounded mighty similar indeed. Perhaps moobs is another word for an accident.

After dinner, when Thor accidentally drops a dish, he tries it out, crying a mighty moobs.

Judging by the looks he gets, that is not the correct way to use the word.

Frustration settle in and he vows to himself that he will just forget these moobs. But at the next fight, towards the end, when he finds that Tony has been turned into a woman and hears the great Captain sassily remark 'Who has moobs now, huh Tony?' he cannot control himself. He destroys the enemy he is fighting against with a bellow of frustration.

"Uh Thor buddy, don't worry, I'll be back to normal soon," Tony says over the comms.

"No it is not your current predicament causing me such irritation." Thor corrects. "You must tell me, what is this moobs you speak off?"

"It's when a man has boobs," Clint says bluntly, far too used to these type of questions to even hesitate.

"Men can acquire such great things?" Thor asks. He is rather fond of boobs.

"They're considered very unhealthy and unattractive," Natasha warned him.

"Ah, so you wouldn't love me if I grew moobs?" Tony complains, though there is an undercurrent of fear beneath his humorous voice.

"Nice try Stark," Clint snorted. "You're stuck with us, moobs or not."

Thor is amazed that somehow he has been lucky enough to find a family that would love him, moobs and all.

But he'd prefer not to gain these moobs, should they dissuade Jane from seeing his worth as a mate.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I'm tired of saying I don't own these guys. If I did own them then I wouldn't be typing because I'd be dead from happiness.

A/N: This is the end of this story. It was fun while it lasted, but five updates per a week with school was starting to be too much. And I was rather out of ideas. (And too lazy to think of more.) Also, warning- really cheesy ending.

Part Five: Google

"No, I'm serious Steve, don't look that up on Google, it's not going to end well for you," Tony said, absently handing Bruce the spatula he was patting around the counter for. Thor looked up from where he was consuming glorious coffee and an insanely fast pace, his brow furrowing in confusion.

"It can't be that bad, Tony," Steve said, spearing the eggs on his plate. If the great captain thought he could take him on, perhaps this Google was a battle customarily had on Midgard.

"Natasha, please tell Steve not to look that up on Google," Tony begged. Natasha looked up over her coffee, her customary smirk appearing.

"Steve's a grown man, if he thinks he can take on Google, then let him." She said. Was Google not a worthy foe, then, if Natasha had no doubts or worries about sending Steve off to fight it?

"Here Thor," Bruce handed Thor his plate, teeming with food, and he promptly lost track of the conversation as he dug into his meal, the sound of his chewing blocking it all out. When he could hear again, the conversation had moved on from this Google thing, so Thor was once again left to ponder the implications of this Google.

The first part sounds like Loki does when he is mocking a baby, so perhaps this Google has to do with babies. If so, it sounds rather cruel for Steve to pick a fight with this Google. Out of character, yes, but cruel nonetheless.

As Steve gets up from the table Thor stands up as well, prepared to follow Steve throughout the day to make sure that he does not harm any Midgardian younglings. But under Thor's watchful gaze all Steve does is get his electronic device, provided by Tony, and tap something into it, his brow furrowing as he watches the thing react.

Throughout the day Steve remains innocent, only leaving the couch to get lunch with the team, and then returning to his electronic device. There is no attacking of babies to be had, and Thor feels as though he has once again misinterpreted a Midgardian word.

He is content to give up, because Odin knows that obviously he does not have a firm grasp on the description of the words of English language, but the next morning a new hint is provided to him as he eats his Poptarts.

"Tony, you need to stop ogling people, they're going to file for a lawsuit." Pepper lectures.

"I don't ogle." Tony says. He pronounces it different than the fair maiden Natasha, and it sounds exactly like the end of the Google. Thor knows what ogle is, having been lectured on it many a times with Loki, so perhaps Google is a device that helps one with looking? He knows that the best person to ask about enhanced eye sight is Clint and he travels upstairs to find Clint perched in a bundle of blankets, looking very much like his code name.

"Eye of Hawk!" Thor greets him. Clint looks up from where he is staring at the hand-held electronic device in his hand.

"Hey Thor," He replies. Thor sits on the outskirts of the nest and crosses his legs.

"Could you perhaps tell me of some Midgardian technology that allows heightened eye sight?" Thor asks. Clint nods and eagerly jumps into a list of various devices, that only one of which Thor recognizes, (the telescope, which Jane had introduced him to), but never once is Google listed. He thanks Clint and then leaves, disappointed but resigned, travelling back to the kitchen.

"Tony!" Steve brushes past Thor and wordlessly shoves his device into Tony's waiting hands. "Look at this!"

"I told you not to look it up," Tony says, clearly having no sympathy for Steve's plight.

"You said not to look it up on Google!" Steve complains. "I looked it up on Yahoo."

"You and I both know that you know there isn't a difference." Tony says, shooting Steve a deadpan look. Thor, however, if more concerned with the beginning of this conversation.

"Google?" He asks. "Google is on that device?"

"Oh yeah," Tony says, showing him the device. His fingers fly over the screen and a mostly white screen appears. "See this bar?" Thor nods. "You type something in and it comes up with a whole bunch of different things, like a definition or pictures."

"This Google is all knowing?" Thor asks, gently taking the device away from Tony. Tony and Steve nodded.

"Well, not everything on there is true," Steve amends, falling silent as he watches Thor type in, _how to deal with family problems. _

"Are you having a problem with one of us?" Tony asks, and for a moment Thor does not understand. Then he does, and he erases his earlier statement in the bar and types something anew.

_How did I get so lucky?_


End file.
